Starting with the least offensive and going down to the worst show on TV…
8. Local Nightly News – There is only one reason for any local affiliate to continue to broadcast local news. That would be to in fact, give people updates on things that happen locally that are newsworthy. In Minnesota, we stopped doing that sometime around 1983. Here’s the local news format on all local TV stations for the first four minutes: Possible leading national story, possible leading state or local story, teaser for some quirky, funny or shocking segment, teaser for sports, teaser for weather.
If someone dies, they get a minute. If there is a killer or a rapist on the loose, they get a full ninety seconds. If a baby can hiccup the alphabet, they give the baby fifteen minutes.
Fire all the local amateur news anchors and let the grown-ups anchor the news. Even Jon Stewart actually covers some pertinent news issues.
7. American Idol – While American Idol is reality TV at its finest, it is time to kill reality TV. Paula is a rube, Randy is inoffensive at best and Simon Cowell is always right – which is why everyone thinks he is a jerk. He tells the truth and the truth hurts. But not as much as the amateurs who screech and wail their way out the door. The only thing American Idol has proved is that you can create a pop start out of nothing. They just took it to the next level by broadcasting the auditions and selling more merchandise.
Anybody remember Star Search? Same Sh#t, Different Decade.
6. Survivor – This is the crème de la crème of competitive reality challenges. All other shows that came after Survivor were just copycats. That being said, it’s time to go. How many people do we need to bring together how many times before we figure out that the most physically fit people will always win the final challenges? Sheesh. We get it. Fat people can’t run or win stamina contests. How about some brain puzzles?
5. Extreme Makeover Home Edition – We get it. Someone experiences tragedy. Sears and ABC rebuild their house for free during a one or two hour commercial. We don’t care. Get over yourselves already. It’s obvious you care more about commercials than compassion. Quick, show another power tool or a new car!
4. 24 – Either rename it “The Never Ending Story” and bring back Atreyu, or kill Jack Bauer.
3. Lost – The real trick about this show is where the script has been going for the last three years. That’s nowhere. The writers are lost - filling in back-story. Every new season only brings us farther away from series fulfillment and plotline completion. The only way to end this show will be to announce a “final season” so they can complete a friggin’ story arc. Either that or write in the Skipper and Gilligan and the SS Minnow and have them get everyone off that damn island once and for all.
2. Battlestar Galactica – This is the worst show on TV. This show is so low-budget that they didn’t even want to spend money on Cylon costumes so they altered the story and made them “9th generation” to explain the lack of technology. I keep expecting to see spaceships on strings fly past the screen or maybe a “Made with a Mac” watermark. At least the original BSG series had some actual stars in it like Lorne Greene, Dirk Benedict and Jane Seymour. This lazy BSG effort has D-list actors and Xena. It’s time to either spend some money on this show and bring it to prime-time or relegate “Battlestar” to “convention” status.
1. Grey’s Anatomy – I just named Battlestar Galactica the worst show, but somehow, Grey’s Anatomy is even worse than the worst show on TV. The acting is mediocre, at best. My preferred plotline would be for all the interns to drown. I would also enjoy watching them all contract an STD and die. Where other hospital dramas have enjoyed great writing and long standing power (Trapper John MD, ER, Saint Elsewhere), Grey’s Anatomy is a comedy that sometimes tries to be a drama and this deadly combination makes it easily the most terrible hospital show to ever grace the small screen.
Dr. McDreamy was at his best in “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Meredith is too old and unconvincing to be a “young intern”. This show’s only saving grace is Dr. Bailey who is expertly played by Chandra Wilson. They should fire everyone else and re-brand the show as Dr. Bailey’s Show. It would also be cool to move Dr. Bailey to Chicago and have her go work in the ER. It would be the best of both worlds.
Grey’s Anatomy first jumped the shark when they had a “Code Black” on immediately after the Superbowl and they ran teasers all the way through. It has been jumping every week since. Words will never be able to capture just how bad this show is.
Sometimes on other “hospital” shows you will hear a medical term here or there, but not on Grey’s Anatomy. They would rather use cutesy, pop-phrases like “vajayjay” instead of making their idiotic viewers feel stupid.
There will never be another show on TV as poorly written or badly acted as Grey’s Anatomy.
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If your ego is bigger than your brain then mark Friday on your calendar! Hell, if you just want to have fun or see if you can hang with the local competition, you’ll want to stop by the Mall of America to test your brainpower mettle under the pressure of competition!
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