Turtle Love

This is funny and sad. I wish people would think of how they sound when they are taking a video. The kid taking the footage is obviously no more than thirteen.

I am secretly pleased to post my first “sex” and “animals” post.

GHIII Patent Infringement!?

Gibson is claiming that Activision’s Guitar Hero III is violating a patent filed by Gibson in 1999.

According to their complaint filed in US District Court in LA,

Gibson’s 1999 patent covers a virtual-reality device that included a headset with speakers and that simulated participating in a concert.

If this is the basis of their legal claim, then I would suggest they start filing patents for things like, “possible future profitable thing that simulates something we not yet created or thought of but if someone else creates something nobody else is currently producing and selling we will use this patent to stake our claim.”

C’mon Gibson. You may have thought of something about simulating a concert, but clearly, if you were going for a VR headset-type thing, you were watching too WAY many pornos (or maybe the same skin-flick over and over over and and - OH MY!) where a lone stroker sits in a room with a VR headset and enjoys act after act of mind-blowing orgasms.

Activision is being sued not for patent infringement, but for producing a profitable game franchise. There may be some behind the scenes things going on we will never know about, like Gibson licensed something to Activision or vice-versa and one of the companies thought nothing of whatever legal arrangement they signed off on, when suddenly this game took off like a rocket and now the company who signed the crappy agreement is feeling robbed. Who can say?

Ah hell, I am heading down to the courthouse to file a patent on something not yet created but might produce a profit for someone at some future time. Or maybe I’ll just go play Virtually Jenna.

The ‘Grich Who Stole Christmas

Not that anybody would be surprised by somebody in politics attacking a political leader while his or her own business is less than exemplary, but Republican Newt Gingrich was actively cheating on his wife while at the same time attacking President Clinton over the Lewinsky affair. Gingrich had this to say when asked about the Clinton situation at the Focus on the Family web event:

…as a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept … perjury in your highest officials.

So if everyone is in agreement that Clinton lied about cheating on his wife, how long will it take for a Republican-led impeachment trail for George W. Bush over the culture of perjury he has fostered in his Administration?

The “Scooter” Libby decision has generated a public written record of the Bush Administration’s penchant for lying, and still, we cannot get anyone in congress brave enough to impeach the President.

It is a sad state of affairs in America when you can get publicly humiliated for lying about infidelity but you cannot get in trouble for sending American boys and girls to their deaths.

Note: Even if your demise becomes a statistic that’s classified as, “Post Combat Ops - 1 May (2003) thru Present”, you’re still dead.

Jean-Claude loves the spotlight. I mean REALLY loves it.

I don’t want to bring down the level of the content here on 8&5. Unfortunately, and for reasons that I can’t begin to fathom, I feel compelled to post this video. For the sake of my conscience, though, I’m including a warning. Anyone with an aversion to 90’s action stars, stone-washed denim, or pup tents should look away.

“Sir, do you have a license to carry that?”

Relieved of Duty for Loving America

The Air Farce is all worked up over one of their enlisted soldier’s recent moonlighting job with Playboy. Staff Sergeant Michelle Manhart, 30, has been relieved of duties while the military “investigates”.

The Air Farce had this to say,

This staff sergeant’s alleged action does not meet the high standards we expect of our airmen, nor does it comply with the Air Force’s core values of integrity, service before self, and excellence in all we do…

Picture this: You’re a thirty-year-old woman, married with two kids, you have been in the same job for about twelve years, you will never make the money that management makes, and you still have a rockin’ bod. Playboy wants to offer you a wad of money for you to pose naked.

Before you answer, check out the military payscale.

SSgt Manhart is bringing home around $33K per year.

The Air Farce is wrong here. It would have been an injustice for SSgt. Manhart to NOT pose nude!

SSgt. Manhart’s selfless decision to help recruit more soldiers into the enlisted ranks, both male and female, will only help the United States win George Bush’s Global War on Terror. The selfless sacrifices of ordinary Americans, like SSgt. Manhart, that make this country great. SSgt. Manhart’s decision to glamorize a career as a military enlistee is the most selfless act an enlisted soldier could perform and uphold the highest standards of professionalism, integrity, service before self, and excellence. If more people loved America so much that they had the dedication and selfless devotion to duty as displayed by SSgt. Manhart, then there would be no more wars. Maybe it’s time we all take our clothes off in support of SSgt. Manhart.

SSgt. Manhart, we salute you!

Late Entry for Best Viral Video of the Year

It’ll be worth it:

(also this could get deleted by NBC any minute)

I’m simply saying that life, uh… finds a way.

Just in time for Christmas, Komodo dragons at two UK zoos are laying batches of eggs conceived with no male fertilization. That’s parthenogenesis, Kyle! Although this process is known to occur in several other lizard species, this is the first time it’s been seen in Komodo dragons. All the babies are male, which is surprising at first. But apparently lizard genetics are a bit different from the more familiar mammalian system. In lizards, females are ZW (instead of XX) and males are ZZ (instead of XY). Add to this the info that WW is embryonic lethal, and a batch of bouncing baby boys is the only thing that makes sense. Did they get that right in Jurassic Park?

This trend has conservationists worried, since preserving endangered species like the Komodo involves preserving variety in the gene pool. From the article:

“It makes you take a completely new look at the genetic management of your animals,” Gibson says. The team suggests that zoos think about keeping male and female dragons together to avoid triggering parthenogenesis and decreasing genetic diversity.

How You Prepare For Your Wii

If you’re cool you know the Wii will be available next Saturday at midnight in a number of different places. If you’re prepared you’re clutching your pre-order and having trouble sleeping. If you’re a tenacious procrastinator without a job (or significant other) you’re camping outside some retailer playing your DS starfox/advancewars/mariokart/pokemon (building up your collection in anticipation for diamond or pearl) waiting for your Wii. If you’re lucky your significant other is waiting with you.

I assume you’ve gotten your room ready. Pushed the couch back, perhaps even bought a smaller coffee table. Detached your Xbox from the component inputs on your receiver and put it into storage (lord knows there’s no reason to keep that relic). You’ve probably called your friends and set up a party for Sunday. If you’re really hard core you’ve been adjusting your sleeping schedule and stocking up on energy drinks to help facilitate your party at midnight (less likely to have the sun interfere with the wii-mote).

You’ve certainly pre-ordered some games. Zelda of course, sure the graphics will be a little disappointing but you know that the fishing mini-game is going to totally make up for it (is there a better application for the wii-mote?). You’ve probably ordered some other game as well, maybe a good party game like Rayman or Monkeyball in case Wii-Sports isn’t enough to keep your party going. Perhaps you were brave and risked the first person shooter knowing that the wii-mote will be the ultimate fps interface. Redsteel or Call of Duty? The risk is that the controls may take an iteration or two for the developers to really nail it–for sure Metroid will be awesome but that’s not a launch game. The guy at the counter probably told you to pick up Trauma Center because he played it at his conference and it was freaking great. Of course you’ve already beat it on the DS and you’re unsure of the value it could provide during your Wii-Day party. If you’re more conservative you may still pick up excite truck because of the reviews it’s getting, but if you were more conservative you probably wouldn’t be getting a Wii and you certainly wouldn’t be reading this blog (liberals only please).  Of course Wii-Sports will be included and you know it will be a blast. But what about the four-player games? Do they justify the purchase of the two extra remotes (with which you’d have to buy the nunchucks for your party game purchase) that gets expensive 40$ x 3 (wii-mote) + 20$ x 3 (nunchucks) = $180. Here’s my advice: Don’t buy all four now. Get one extra with a nunchuck. Wait for a third party version with rechargeable batteries and a cordless nunchuck (there will probably be a first party cordless nunchuck but not for a while). To keep your party going don’t rely on the Wii alone. Make sure there is plenty of drink and a number of Dual Screens running The New Super Mario Brothers.

You seem prepared. There are still some unanswered questions. What’s the final secret? Is there a final secret? I expect there is and my prediction is that it’s Wii-Play included with the Wii-Mote. I wouldn’t be suprised if there was some sort of voice over IP included as well (the only real justification for the wii-connect 24 that I can figure out). I’m still holding out for the 3D projection solution that has been rumored as I’m sure you are. Although together wii know that it’s unlikely. Perhaps for the next Nintendo console will have it (in three years) which will be more resolute than the PS3 and 360 combined (yeah I said it! 1800p BABY!) that console will sell for roughly 300$ making the purchase of the Wii and the Nintendo Next-Revolution less than the total cost of a premium PS3 (not to diss on the thrice, I will get one… as soon as I have a lot more money).

Wii-Day is near. Be patient, it’s hard I know. Ive been passing time by listening to wii-casts and pouring over the internets scraping up every nugget of info. Breathe… take a Lamaze class if you have to… focus… wii’re almost there.

So Say Wii All!

18 Things you won’t see on a billboard: #1 Your Parents Chose Sex. Shouldn’t You?

While driving through South Dakota recently I was struck by the amount of pro-god, anti-abortion and pro-abstinence signs. The person driving with me and I started talking about how best to combat this sort of religious propaganda. We decided that a billboard campaign mirroring the existing campaigns would be best. Following are the anti-abstinence ads we came up with. Some are modeled after the signed-by-god billboards, some after the anti-abortion signs we encountered and some we just thought would make good billboards. The following text is not safe for work.

Imagine coming across these billboards next time you drive through the bible belt:

1. Your parents chose sex. Shouldn’t you?
2. Abstinence sucks. –God
3. Everyday somebody dies a virgin.
4. I’m proud of your last orgasm. –God
5. Abstinence prevents a beating heart.
6. Making babies is cool. –God
7. Do you like to look at naked people? Thank you. –God
8. Stressed? Fuck. –God
9. After healing lepers, nothing beats a good screw. –Jesus
10. Make a joyful noise when you come. –God
11. Abstinence is murder.
12. Do others as they do you. –Jesus
13. DVDA! –God
14. Someone wants to have sex with you. –God
15. Put your pointy bits into each other. –God
16. After a shower a rim job can be fun. –Jesus
17. If I didn’t want you to have sex I wouldn’t have given you a cock. –God
18. I don’t exist. –God (not abstinence related, I just thought it was funny)

Hey, Erik. . .

…I’ll just pour some gas on this fire. Sound good?

Why circumcise?

I expect a complete debate at the next gathering.