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Snake! Snake! Snake!

Posted by bongo on July 17th

Read More: Pop-Culture, Video Games, Cute, Large Gathering of Idiots

This is about two minutes long. If anyone knows any of the history of this stunt, feel free to post. If not, just enjoy the vid!

That’s gotta hurt…

Posted by bongo on August 29th
Read More: The Internets, Large Gathering of Idiots

Sorry about posting an ebaum vid. I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

Anybody know if this is an actual video or some staged thing?

Naked Motorcycle Headstand Crash

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I’m Outraged at the Lack Of Outrage!

Posted by Oscar on August 8th
Read More: Politics, neocons, Large Gathering of Idiots, Depressing, Big Brother

big-brother001.jpgEarlier this week the democratic house capitulated to King George by allowing the FISA law to be changed in such a way that he can now wire-tap calls and monitor emails from any US citizen to outside of the US, this surveillance needs no suspicion, no pre-approval, and no repercussions if it “accidentally” records discourse within our country. Since Consiglieri Gonzales is in charge of monitoring this program it’s unlikely that the oversight will be anymore than a rubber stamp.

I’m used to the Democrats giving in to crap to get other stuff done (and they’ve gotten a lot done, of which I’m proud) but where is the ideologically driven right on this issue? Why aren’t the right-wing talkers OUTRAGED? The government has officially compromised our constitutional right to privacy. Before now I would have thought that keeping the Government out of our underwear drawers would be at least as important to conservatives as not allowing gays to marry. I was wrong. Do you think they’d be cool with Clinton monitoring them?

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YOUR TAX CUTS AT WORK

Posted by Oscar on August 3rd
Read More: Politics, No Shit, neocons, Large Gathering of Idiots, War, Depressing, Taxes

bringe-fell.jpgA bridge in America just shouldn’t fall down.
-Senator Amy Klobuchar D-MN

The Mississippi bridge had a 50 out of 100 rating.
49 would mean it has to be replaced.
Road infrastructure in Minnesota is paid for by the gas tax. Minnesota’s constitution requires that gas tax be spent solely on ROADS not trains, not busses. ROADS! The gas tax in Minnesota has not been increased in 20 YEARS. This is because republicans have spent the last 20 years running on the primary issue of TAX CUTS.
Tim Pawlenty has been vetoing attempts at increase spending on transportation since 2003. The republican party gets support by claiming that raising taxes on gas would raise the price of gas. Consider that Wisconsin pays more than 10 cents more tax per gallon than Minnesota and their gas prices are exactly the same (while big oil makes record profits).

When you hear a republican say “Government is the problem.” Remember that someone needs to maintain food standards, someone needs to educate our children, someone needs to make sure OUR BRIDGES DON’T FALL DOWN. If someone running for office, for a place in government says “GOVERNMENT IS THE PROBLEM” how can we expect them to govern well? Obviously we can’t.

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*RING* *RING* Hello? Yes I am a Republican… Of course I think it’s great that Bush pardoned Scooter.

Posted by Oscar on July 3rd
Read More: Politics, Memes, Natural Disasters, neocons, Large Gathering of Idiots, Sad, Fake Phone Call

After all he didn’t even commit a crime, everyone knows that Valarie Plame wasn’t even covert…

Oh she was?

Well everyone knows that Scooter didn’t blow her cover… what’s that?

Oh, that isn’t why he was going to jail?

It was perjury?

Oh, Right, I forgot that…

Well, that doesn’t matter because he wasn’t guilty of perjury because he shouldn’t have been on the stand in the first place, since everyone knows that it was Joe Wilson that outed Plame…

What now?

I’m pretty sure it was Joe… that’s what Rush said.

Well, even if it wasn’t him then it was probably Richard Armitage so Scooter should go FREE!

Uh-huh…

You’re saying that none of that matters if he lied to the grand jury.

Umm…

Well, no I don’t know why he would have lied if there was no cover-up. But that doesn’t matter because I’m sure that with any other non-biased special-prosecutor the charges wouldn’t have been brought against him, he’s obviously completely innocent. This was totally political.

Oh…

That’s right… Bush did say he was guilty in his statement but his sentence was way to harsh. So yeah, I mean he did lie a little bit under oath but the sentence was OUT OF CONTROL so Bush let him out.

No, I don’t know why he didn’t just shorten the sentence then…

Well, Clinton totally pardoned people that were really criminals so this is totally OK.

Of course I was really pissed about that then, especially Frank Rich.

YES TWO WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT! CLINTON DID IT FIRST.

I’M TELLING MY MOM!

*click*

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Sardine Showdown

Posted by bongo on June 25th
Read More: Mixed Nuts, Large Gathering of Idiots, KGB, Red Herring

King Oscar and Port Clyde. Two of the biggest names on Minnesota grocer shelves. This showdown pits the two products, one on one. May the best sardine win!

The loose criteria used to judge will be:


* consistency
* taste
* aftertaste
* aroma
* texture
* color
* burps

Sardines are generally repulsive and only a few people in the world actually enjoy them. I happen to be one of the idiots who not only enjoys sardines, I LOVE sardines and generally most types of potted meats.

I started with King Oscar. The King Oscar packaging was swell and featured King Oscar II of Norway. It also stated extra virgin olive oil. This aroused my curiosity immediately.

The sardines themselves were pretty small. There were double-stacked and were completely covered in olive oil. there were lots of sardines in the can and they were delicious. The texture was firm, but easily chewable with no bones or other crunchy anaomolies detected. The aroma was a sardine aroma and the fine silvery color of each glistening sardine was very pleasing.

A full hour after eating them and I could still detect the dreamy smells on my breath and the sense of a light sheen of oil lining my teeth.

On the Port Clyde!

The Port Clyde sardines were a mustard-based product. The sardines were larger and the mustard oil was a unique change from the olive oil. I have have mustard-based sardines in the past, but the Port Clyde sardines were just not as memorable as other sardines and they definitely did not stack up to King Oscar’s virgins.

The sardines themselves were sort of mushy and you couldn’t really see the fish themselves. It was as though the mustard sauce was being used to mask the quality of the sardines. The mustard sauce did not taste very good, and the aftertaste was not pleasant. Also, the burp factor was more of a Vurp factor (Vomit-Burp). I was able to choke the Vurp down again and I did not go into full reverse peristaltic action, but it was a test of wills.

After this taste test, King Oscar really is King!

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“Ismail Ax” Let the hating begin

Posted by Oscar on April 17th
Read More: Politics, Religion, Memes, Natural Disasters, Breaking News, neocons, Large Gathering of Idiots, Scary, Sad, Depressing, Red Herring

It was just released on the washington post site that the “gunman” Cho Seung-Hui at V-tech had written “Ismail Ax” on the inside of his arm.  This is some sort of reference to Ibrahim who used it in a violent manner to allow Islam to flourish.

This development will give this story a fairly long tail and really help the fear-mongering of the admin.  In addition I’m worried that we’ll see further justification for some of the more odious aspects of the patriot act…  It’s going to get ugly.  Buckle up.

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Can any prison hold Kasparov?

Posted by Oscar on April 16th
Read More: Politics, Pop-Culture, Ask EightAndFive, Arbitrary conclusions, Breaking News, Large Gathering of Idiots, Chess, Russia, KGB

chess.jpgKasparov was just arrested for posing some sort of threat to the Putin regime. What I don’t understand is how they expect to keep him in. I’m sure he saw this coming, even if he isn’t at the top of his game he’s probably playing 30 moves ahead. I expect that he knows that by getting arrested he’s guaranteeing that his party will upset the status quo for the next election. Either that or he can just get out and elude capture until he stealthily sneaks into the Kremlin and takes the crown himself (they still use a crown in Russia don’t they?).

CHECK MATE PUTIN!

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Political Cliché Reform or 10 Reasons I Won’t Vote for You

Posted by Oscar on February 23rd
Read More: Politics, Pop-Culture, Arbitrary conclusions, No Shit, neocons, Large Gathering of Idiots, War, Rhetoric

Dear Anybody On Earth Running For President In The Next Election,

First of all: TOO SOON!

1) If you announce that you’re running for office more than a year before the election I’m not voting for you. Consider that you have to give stump speeches for longer than a year. With Youtube and bloggers you’re going to have to keep thinking of new material and that’s going to be very difficult. Even if you have the creative chops and miraculous speech writers the longer you run the more likely you are to say something stupid (drop out now Biden). If you’re reading this and you’ve already announced your candidacy DROP OUT. Perot dropped four months before the election and joined up again a month before and almost won. If you drop out now people will forgive you, especially if you say something about how these damn campaigns are starting TOO SOON and costing TOO MUCH MONEY. Re-enter 3 months before the election, you’ll be fresh you’ll have a ton of money (just invest what you have now in Apple, Google and Nintendo) and people will love it. I’ll love it. I’ll vote for you.

Now that that’s said I’d like to get to the real reason I’m writing this letter, Political Cliché Reform. Political Cliché’s are stupid, they make you look stupid, they make the people listening to you feel stupid, they make our children stupid, they make our enemies think we’re stupid, etc…

If you use any of the following clichés I will not vote for you:

2) “_________ the course” Stay, Change or otherwise. Say it and lose my vote.

3) “Talk the talk” or “Walk the talk” or any other variation that is always used incorrectly and always sucks. I definitely don’t vote for people who can’t even use a cliché properly.

4) “America is the greatest country!” This is racist. I don’t vote for racists.

5) “The world changed on 9/11″ This is technically true but so is “the world changed on 9/10″. Don’t use a disaster to justify fear (leads to the dark-side). I don’t vote for fear-mongers… or Sith.

6) “Flip-Flop” Unless you’re referring to shoes I’m voting for someone else.

7) “Keep all of our options open” everyone knows this means, “we will bomb them if we feel like it,” just say that. I won’t vote for you in either case, but the latter is more honest.

8) “Terrorists” this word is officially a cliché. It’s used for anyone who fights for a cause that we don’t like–no criteria beyond that. Putting this on my list is likely to make it so I can’t vote for anyone… *sigh*

9) “Islamo-Fascists” This makes no sense and using it means you don’t know what fascism is. I won’t vote for someone who doesn’t know what fascism is.

10) “Fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them here” the dumbest one on this list. It would be equally valid to say “Eat pudding so we don’t have to fight them here”. Anytime I hear someone repeat this, a little piece of my soul dies. I don’t vote for people who kill my soul.

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Eight TV Shows That Should be Cancelled Immediately

Posted by bongo on February 16th
Read More: Pop-Culture, Ask EightAndFive, Television, Arbitrary conclusions, Sci-Fi, Large Gathering of Idiots

Starting with the least offensive and going down to the worst show on TV…

8. Local Nightly News – There is only one reason for any local affiliate to continue to broadcast local news. That would be to in fact, give people updates on things that happen locally that are newsworthy. In Minnesota, we stopped doing that sometime around 1983. Here’s the local news format on all local TV stations for the first four minutes: Possible leading national story, possible leading state or local story, teaser for some quirky, funny or shocking segment, teaser for sports, teaser for weather.

If someone dies, they get a minute. If there is a killer or a rapist on the loose, they get a full ninety seconds. If a baby can hiccup the alphabet, they give the baby fifteen minutes.

Fire all the local amateur news anchors and let the grown-ups anchor the news. Even Jon Stewart actually covers some pertinent news issues.

7. American Idol – While American Idol is reality TV at its finest, it is time to kill reality TV. Paula is a rube, Randy is inoffensive at best and Simon Cowell is always right – which is why everyone thinks he is a jerk. He tells the truth and the truth hurts. But not as much as the amateurs who screech and wail their way out the door. The only thing American Idol has proved is that you can create a pop start out of nothing. They just took it to the next level by broadcasting the auditions and selling more merchandise.

Anybody remember Star Search? Same Sh#t, Different Decade.

6. Survivor – This is the crème de la crème of competitive reality challenges. All other shows that came after Survivor were just copycats. That being said, it’s time to go. How many people do we need to bring together how many times before we figure out that the most physically fit people will always win the final challenges? Sheesh. We get it. Fat people can’t run or win stamina contests. How about some brain puzzles?

5. Extreme Makeover Home Edition – We get it. Someone experiences tragedy. Sears and ABC rebuild their house for free during a one or two hour commercial. We don’t care. Get over yourselves already. It’s obvious you care more about commercials than compassion. Quick, show another power tool or a new car!

4. 24 – Either rename it “The Never Ending Story” and bring back Atreyu, or kill Jack Bauer.

3. Lost – The real trick about this show is where the script has been going for the last three years. That’s nowhere. The writers are lost - filling in back-story. Every new season only brings us farther away from series fulfillment and plotline completion. The only way to end this show will be to announce a “final season” so they can complete a friggin’ story arc. Either that or write in the Skipper and Gilligan and the SS Minnow and have them get everyone off that damn island once and for all.

2. Battlestar Galactica – This is the worst show on TV. This show is so low-budget that they didn’t even want to spend money on Cylon costumes so they altered the story and made them “9th generation” to explain the lack of technology. I keep expecting to see spaceships on strings fly past the screen or maybe a “Made with a Mac” watermark. At least the original BSG series had some actual stars in it like Lorne Greene, Dirk Benedict and Jane Seymour. This lazy BSG effort has D-list actors and Xena. It’s time to either spend some money on this show and bring it to prime-time or relegate “Battlestar” to “convention” status.

1. Grey’s Anatomy – I just named Battlestar Galactica the worst show, but somehow, Grey’s Anatomy is even worse than the worst show on TV. The acting is mediocre, at best. My preferred plotline would be for all the interns to drown. I would also enjoy watching them all contract an STD and die. Where other hospital dramas have enjoyed great writing and long standing power (Trapper John MD, ER, Saint Elsewhere), Grey’s Anatomy is a comedy that sometimes tries to be a drama and this deadly combination makes it easily the most terrible hospital show to ever grace the small screen.

Dr. McDreamy was at his best in “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Meredith is too old and unconvincing to be a “young intern”. This show’s only saving grace is Dr. Bailey who is expertly played by Chandra Wilson. They should fire everyone else and re-brand the show as Dr. Bailey’s Show. It would also be cool to move Dr. Bailey to Chicago and have her go work in the ER. It would be the best of both worlds.

Grey’s Anatomy first jumped the shark when they had a “Code Black” on immediately after the Superbowl and they ran teasers all the way through. It has been jumping every week since. Words will never be able to capture just how bad this show is.

Sometimes on other “hospital” shows you will hear a medical term here or there, but not on Grey’s Anatomy. They would rather use cutesy, pop-phrases like “vajayjay” instead of making their idiotic viewers feel stupid.

There will never be another show on TV as poorly written or badly acted as Grey’s Anatomy.

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If I had married Tea Leoni and starred in film and TV with Gillian Anderson, I would have the exact same problem. How many love children do you have David? - #

An 8n5 August Superbowl dream prediction: Packers vs. Jets, the Heir Apparent vs. the Air up There! - #

LCDs are getting cheaper, but this is a top-rated 22" monitor and is a sweet deal available at General Nanosystems in Minneapolis. I picked one up yesterday. (8/5) The sale is over! - #

World's first Tesla crash? Maybe... - #

This Wired commentary pretty much sums up the grind of an MMORPG. For me, the grind is a love/hate relationship. - #

The King is Dead. Maybe JT can bring spam back next! - #