Normal stores stuck on the ground, they strike me as mundane.
That’s why I choose to only shop from Skymall on a plane.
I’ve got a watch that sets itself with satellites in space
And glasses with a fifty inch TV for on my face.
My luggage is the kind preferred by golfers who are pro.
In my my pocket there’s a GPS to tell me where to go.
My grill at home’s accessorized with lights and other things,
Like a doodad on my belt that when my steak is done it dings.
A hanging upside down device keeps my back from getting sore
But when it is I’ve got a plastic stick to rub it more.
I have a toaster oven that’s designed by Wolfgang Puck
And an underwater vacuum–what an extraordinary suck!
My vest has weights. My pet-foods timed. My shoes have built in springs.
I’ve hundreds of alarm clocks, one shoots helicopter things.
There’s a device that’s made specifically to help me fall asleep,
A whooshing sound or waterfall, it sure beats counting sheep.
A stress reducing wrist band that needs a battery.
A pair of golfing glasses make my balls easy to see.
My bike fits in a back-pack1 that I wear when I can’t ride
Like when I walk to aerate my lawn with spikes on my shoes outside.
Speaking of lawns mine’s always well lit for my lights have solar powers.
The sun also charges a vibrating thingy that keeps the moles out of my flowers.
The walk to my house has a gazing ball that’s twenty-three inches and glows
And you can’t tell how I water my grass ’cause a flower pot hides my hose.
I’ve got a step to help my dog get up into my bed,
A gate to keep him from the kitchen, an urn for when he’s dead2.
My golf cart looks like an Escalade1, it cost me twenty grand.
There are hanging seats I hook on my truck, when I tailgate I don’t have to stand.
For my wife I’ve gotten a lot of things like roses dipped in gold,
and her make up mirror has a light so she won’t look so old.
The largest crossword in the world, the smallest helicopter too.
A Star Wars traveling battleship game and litter robot for poo.
A robot shark and floating black jack game–My pool is full of shit!
A little boat that brings the drinks to the chair in which I sit.
Theft is no concern of mine. I’ve cameras all around
And a folding ladder just in case my house is burning down.
There’s a spot on my mantle for Harry’s wand and other wizard things.
I’ve also a copy of Frodo’s sword ’cause he’s the Lord of the Rings!
There are handles for my toilet so I don’t fall down when I poop
And life is so much easier with a heated ice-cream scoop.
A robot Elvis talks to me and sings at my command.
Oxidation I fear not with my rustproof towel stand1.
Believe you me, I’ve got more things, this list is only some
But my plane is boarding. I’ve got to fly! SKYMALL HERE I COME!
1 This used to be in skymall I swear… they must have stopped selling it.
2 Not actually sold by skymall… slackers.
