Special Report: Republicans Knew Bullets Cause Death

Recent highly sensitive confidential reports have surfaced across the news media and have sent shock and awewaves across the blogosphere. It seems that Republicans knew all along that bullets, when used properly, actually lead to death. Some historians have even argued that bullets have been killing people as early at the 1100s as depicted in early cave sculptures. Republican leaders have argued that the vase-shaped bombard depicted in the primitive artwork is not a death-dealing device at all, rather it is one of the earliest known depictions of Democracy and Freedom attempting to gain a following in a feudal kingdom that would later transform into a Communist regime and warned us that if we continue down the path of the drastic leftist policies of a veiled Socialist regime, we will lose everything.

Apparently, little metal objects propelled at a high rate of speed through the air have always been lethal but when marketed properly, people will think that they are immune to the effects of these small metal shards entering their flesh. Republicans have also recently revealed that anyone who can run faster than seven-hundred miles per hour will actually be able to avoid most modern bullets fired from any projectile. They even recommended a Nike running shoe and iPod remote to help you avoid bullets while enjoying your favorite music.

Republican leaders also advised that with proper moral instruction, young people will learn that not only are bullets useful tools for problem solving, but they are actually good for the environment. After all, nothing bad ever happens while mining and if we don’t get the metal out of the earth, then some Communist will come along and take it from us.