Cubicle Ninja Stealth Secrets

It’s a dog-eat-dog world. It’s a jungle out there. It’s now what you know, it’s who you know. It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow. All of these clichés are valid if you work in a cubicle farm. If your cubicle farm exists in a giant corporation with lots of subsidiaries, then these clichés ring truer than any sane person would ever want. If your giant corporation rewards profit generation over actual ethical and valid work performed, well, that is another post entirely.

This post is about cubicle ninjas.

I am a cubicle ninja. I didn’t used to be a cubicle ninja. Previously to honing my powers of observation and my stealth techniques, I was merely a white collar professional who rolled with the punches. One day, there was a punch I realized I could not roll with.

A person whose attention to detail includes how people arranged things on their desks relocated to our building. My desk is and has been organized and clutter-free, but other co-workers have gained the ire of this member of the management team due to their messy desks. Other negative comments and actions have been directed around to my peers from this member of the management team, and I have tried my best to avoid this individual at all costs. There was one problem:

My avenue of escape from the Cubicle Farm went right past this leader’s cubicle doorway – my cubicle hallway actually ended right at his doorway. I had a single angle of sightline blockage I could use to my advantage, but it would take all my skills of stealth to make sure I passed by soundlessly and invisibly.

Here is my Cubicle Ninja Checklist:

01. Silence your laptop bag.
02. Turn off your cell phone ringer.
03. Walk silently.
04. Do not breathe or control your breathing.
05. Ignore others.
06. Alter your departure schedule.
07. Park in different locations.
08. Use a different door.
09. No keys or other noisemakers in your pocket.
10. Identify cronies.

Silence your laptop bag.
Most conventional laptop bags have metal tabs. Metal tabs that usually create a soft jingle, jangle, jingle sound as you walk. You can usually position the zippers in such a way that the zipper tabs are resting on the bag, or tucked inside the pocket, thus, avoid the jingling. For maximum stealth, use standard gray duct tape to tape all the metal tabs on your laptop bag. This gives two benefits: you can leave a little extra tape t o give you a bigger tab to pull, and you will effectively reduce the amount of noise generated by your laptop bag.

Turn off your cell phone ringer.
This one is obvious. If your phone can’t ring, or rings silently, you will not risk alerting anyone of your imminent departure. Just to be safe, I would not even allow it to vibrate.

Walk silently.
If you are stomping or shuffling your shoes, you will create a situation that allows people around you to hear your exit. Don’t allow this to happen. Step lightly, tip toe if you have to. Alternatively, you can change into softer shoes when you leave but try to avoid cheap rubber on any hard surfaces. They often squeak.

Do not breathe or control your breathing.
Even if you believe you are in shape enough to slink past the person you wish to avoid, try to avoid breathing or expelling any sort of emission from your body as you hasten your departure. If you can hold your breath, then do it. If not, practice breathing without making any noise. Open your mouth if you have to.

Ignore others.
This one is hard to do. Especially if you are a social creature. The best way to avoid talking to co-workers is to simply ignore them. If you must acknowledge them, try a simple nod or hand wave. They don’t usually want any meaningful conversation in the hallway, so a simple silent gesture is usually solid.

Alter your departure schedule.
If you are salaried, this is no problem. You can simply vary your start and end of day for working hours. Come in between five and fifteen minutes early or late every day. This will minimize your chances of running into those who keep one predictable schedule. The more you vary your schedule, the more likely you are to avoid the problem.

Park in different locations.
If you park in the same spot every day, those you wish to avoid will expect to see your car. If you have different parking lots, always choose a different spot. If you get to work early enough, try parking in the far lot every couple of days. This way they will not know when you are coming or going as your car will seemingly not be present, but you will have already ninja’d your way into the Cubicle Farm.

Use a different door.
If you have a back stairwell, use it. If you have side doors or back doors, use them. If your boss has a preferred “Smoking Area” avoid it. This is a very critical part of this plan. You never want to run into those you wish to avoid as you enter or exit the building.

No keys or other noisemakers in your pocket.
Your laptop bag should already be silenced. Now, you take anything in your pants’ pockets that creates noise and put it into your laptop’s pockets. This includes coins, plastic doo-hickeys, and any other item that has the potential to alert others to your movements. Ideally, the only things in your pockets will be your hands and/or pocket lint. If your laptop bag is really full, you can stuff your hands into your pockets and walk out holding on to anything noisy.

Identify cronies.
This is along the lines of “Know thy enemy”. Usually at a corporation there are people who embed themselves with the boss in hopes of getting more money. You must identify the cronies and avoid them also. If they see you knock off fifteen minutes early, you can guarantee that their next e-mail will be along the lines of, “Hey Mr. Boss-man! Joe left early!” These people are not out to get you, but they are cronies and they will report anything and everything to the pigs running the show if they think it will advance their career.

If you are encountering a bully, or a jerk, or some other idiot at work who makes life less enjoyable feel free to use any or all of this list to help make it through your working day. I actually walked out right behind a bully at my office just a few days ago. He was yapping away on his wireless Bluetooth headset and was so caught up in himself that I walked five feet behind him and shadowed his every move. When it came to the critical juncture, he broke left into the men’s room and I went straight out the exit.

You end up working your entire life. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty for going home to your loved ones. If you need to, apply your skills to your movements and schedule and in no time you will be a cubicle ninja!