There are several techniques to successfully avoid a DWI. The following methods can be successfully used by trained professionals. The methods are tried and true when implemented by trained professionals only.
WARNING: Do NOT attempt any of these techniques without the leadership and guidance of trained professional.
If this advice is properly followed you will successfully avoid getting a DWI/DUI. If, on the other hand, you end up in the slammer with a huge jail sentence and you lose everything…then you did it wrong.
Method 1:
The Sober Employee. If you are out with a few friends who are all drinking, you will need to talk to a Sober Employee at the end of the night. You will need your sober employee to tell you who is speaking with the least amount of slurred words. The person named by your Sober Employee will serve as your drunk driver. Bartenders and bouncers will usually be willing to help you out. These people generally want you to leave the bar so they can lock up and go home after their shift ends. Note: Do not ask a cop or any other person of authority. Just because they are sober does not mean they are your friends.
Method 2:
Alternatively, you can take a mini-tape recorder to the bar and at the end of the night when you and your group of friends are in the car, take turns reciting the following sentence into the tape recorder:
I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop. Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits.
Your driver is the person who does not say the word “shits” into the tape recorder. If you are in a car chock full ‘o drunks like I usually am, then proceed to Method 3.
Method 3:
Speed. This does not mean doing illegal amphetamines, rather, it means you will need to drive as fast as possible to get home. You will want to do this within reason of course. But if you are driving home slightly faster after bar close, then cops will think you have nothing to hide. If, however, you are driving the speed limit or slightly slower then you are immediately a suspect and give probable cause.
The added bonuses of speeding home include but are not limited to:
You may not recall driving at all,
It is more difficult to swerve the faster you drive, thus you will need to make fewer course corrections,
You will be home faster,
You will whip right by the drunks who got pulled over for driving too slow.
Method 4:
The Six Pack. This method involves banding together with as many drunks as possible. Ideally, you will have determined which drunk is speaking with the least amount of slurring in order to determine who drives.
The key to the six pack method relies on the officer involved being willing to process each drunk in the car. Thus, the more drunks you pack in, the better.
A cop will definitely give a DWI to a solo driver…but add five or ten more to the mix and there’s not a cop on Earth who will want to do that much paperwork. You have to make sure your driver seems sober enough to drive home…if he or she is more drunk than the passengers, the cop might shoot you all and plant heroin in your car. After all, bullets are cheaper than jail cells.
Method 5:
The Stoner. Get a lot of weed. Get a stoner friend who enjoys driving while stoned. Generally, if you give a stoner enough dope they will only drink enough booze to wet their whistle. Sometimes the stoner will even just want water or some other kind of non-alcoholic beverage. This is a rare find and one you should covet immensely.
Use your stoner with caution. If you are pulled over and an officer smells dope, you will have more problems than a DWI. Always plant your stash in the trunk and never let a cop inspect the trunk. Make him get a warrant. If you give a cop permission to inspect your car or your trunk, it’s like letting in a Vampire. The cop will keep looking until he finds something. If he doesn’t find anything he might bite your neck for the hell of it anyway. Then everyone’s dead.
Method 6:
Carnegie Hall. This is like the old joke about tourists in New York asking, “Which way to Carnegie Hall?” To which the cool cat from NYC replies, “Practice, man, practice.”
Study the road sobriety tests. Become intimately familiar with them. You must be able to perform them while drunk, so repeat the tests until you can do them while absolutely hammered.
The authorities will say that one cannot practice for road sobriety tests but this is a lie. Unless a cop pulls out a Breathalyzer or a blood kit, you should be able to pass the “walk the line”, “touch your nose” or “say the alphabet backwards” tests as long as you have practiced. It is a good idea to not practice these tests as you are preparing to drive. It might tip off an observant cop.
Summary:
Don’t drink and drive without a plan. If you choose to drink and drive, be prepared. You may not fool the cops, but you will want to convince them you are sober…at least sober enough to drive home.
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