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Feb 28

Sloth Loves Chunk

Posted on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 in Funny

Jack Bauer Interrogates Chunk

Feb 28

Terminal Toothache

Posted on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 in Ask EightAndFive, Breaking News, Medicine

Twelve-year-old Deamonte Driver died of a toothache Sunday. It was actually the bacterial infection that spread from his tooth throughout his brain that killed him, but it didn’t help that the system was sort of rigged against him.

While I can attest that toothache pain is unbearable and I know that in the past it could be lethal, I would never expect anyone in today’s age of technological advancement to actually die from an abscessed tooth. I don’t have any idea how much pain this kid must have endured as the infection spread but he must have been strong-willed to have resisted the pain for so long.

If this kid had been old enough to join the military, he would have gotten free medical care. That’s a welfare system everyone in America can support. After all, how else will we legally kill off the uneducated and indigent? Oh yeah…do not provide medical care…

Feb 27

Free Smokes, Free Cancer!

Posted on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 in Asides

Free cigarette offer anyone? Head on over to nascigs.com for your smokes. I even have a magazine code if you want to plug one in but it doesn’t look necessary - use ext. 79872.

Feb 27

And on the seventh day He rested…

Posted on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 in Asides

And on the seventh day He rested. Then the Lord God spake, saying, “Let there be Cheetos, and Pink Floyd, and crazy L.A. churches. And there were. And it was groovy.

Feb 27

Since NBC’s Lawyers Suck

Posted on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 in Ask EightAndFive, Television

And they took down my previous clip, let’s see how KTCA’s lawyers are. Anyone remember this? Extra credit if you can name the band who composed the theme song. No cheating by looking in the video description.

Newton’s Apple

Feb 26

Tree Eating Kites, Charlie Brown’s Revenge

Posted on Monday, February 26, 2007 in Asides

11 Dead at kite festival.

Feb 23

No Witty Headline Needed

Posted on Friday, February 23, 2007 in Funny

Meet the Press for Idiots

Feb 23

God Bless Her

Posted on Friday, February 23, 2007 in Asides

Attention residents of Minnesota’s Fifth Congressional District: Michele Bachmann is nuts. I mean, you had to suspect it before, but this story is too much, right?

Feb 23

Political Cliché Reform or 10 Reasons I Won’t Vote for You


Dear Anybody On Earth Running For President In The Next Election,

First of all: TOO SOON!

1) If you announce that you’re running for office more than a year before the election I’m not voting for you. Consider that you have to give stump speeches for longer than a year. With Youtube and bloggers you’re going to have to keep thinking of new material and that’s going to be very difficult. Even if you have the creative chops and miraculous speech writers the longer you run the more likely you are to say something stupid (drop out now Biden). If you’re reading this and you’ve already announced your candidacy DROP OUT. Perot dropped four months before the election and joined up again a month before and almost won. If you drop out now people will forgive you, especially if you say something about how these damn campaigns are starting TOO SOON and costing TOO MUCH MONEY. Re-enter 3 months before the election, you’ll be fresh you’ll have a ton of money (just invest what you have now in Apple, Google and Nintendo) and people will love it. I’ll love it. I’ll vote for you.

Now that that’s said I’d like to get to the real reason I’m writing this letter, Political Cliché Reform. Political Cliché’s are stupid, they make you look stupid, they make the people listening to you feel stupid, they make our children stupid, they make our enemies think we’re stupid, etc…

If you use any of the following clichés I will not vote for you:

2) “_________ the course” Stay, Change or otherwise. Say it and lose my vote.

3) “Talk the talk” or “Walk the talk” or any other variation that is always used incorrectly and always sucks. I definitely don’t vote for people who can’t even use a cliché properly.

4) “America is the greatest country!” This is racist. I don’t vote for racists.

5) “The world changed on 9/11″ This is technically true but so is “the world changed on 9/10″. Don’t use a disaster to justify fear (leads to the dark-side). I don’t vote for fear-mongers… or Sith.

6) “Flip-Flop” Unless you’re referring to shoes I’m voting for someone else.

7) “Keep all of our options open” everyone knows this means, “we will bomb them if we feel like it,” just say that. I won’t vote for you in either case, but the latter is more honest.

8) “Terrorists” this word is officially a cliché. It’s used for anyone who fights for a cause that we don’t like–no criteria beyond that. Putting this on my list is likely to make it so I can’t vote for anyone… *sigh*

9) “Islamo-Fascists” This makes no sense and using it means you don’t know what fascism is. I won’t vote for someone who doesn’t know what fascism is.

10) “Fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them here” the dumbest one on this list. It would be equally valid to say “Eat pudding so we don’t have to fight them here”. Anytime I hear someone repeat this, a little piece of my soul dies. I don’t vote for people who kill my soul.

Feb 23

Soldier Gets 100 Years

Posted on Friday, February 23, 2007 in War

A military judge in Fort Campbell, KY sentenced Sergeant Paul Cortez to 100 years in prison and a dishonorable discharge for his involvement in the rapes and murders of a family of Iraqi civilians.

Paul Cortez told the court he didn’t know why he participated in the rape and murders.

Indeed. How can anyone know why? Why would someone participate in such a grisly crime?

Here’s how the military works in America: Young men and women sign a contract to complete a federal term of service. The government trains them in skills such as:

  • Perform as a member of a fire team during drills and live combat
  • Perform hand-to-hand combat
  • Aid in the mobilization of vehicles, troops and weaponry
  • Assist in reconnaissance missions
  • Operate two-way radios and signal equipment
  • Process prisoners of war and captured documents
  • Learn to use, maintain and store various combat weaponry (rifles, machine guns, anti-tank mines, etc.)
  • The above list is is available at GoArmy.com in the job description for 11B.

    I understand that rape and murder does not make the above list.

    But how as a society can we be appalled at the actions of a few soldiers who go off the deep end when they get into combat? We BEGGED them to go overseas and we APPLAUD them for doing the dirty work so we don’t have to.

    Support OUR Troops!

    We wanted people to go kill so badly that we trained these men to kill. They killed. All we need now is a “Mission Accomplished” banner and a flyby.

    There is a way to prevent this from happening:

    Stop War.