I Don’t Think it’s OK to Light Fireworks Anymore; How I Learned to Like the World Cup and Why Won’t Somebody Buy Me a Submarine?

I’m glad the senate didn’t pass the flag burning ban because I suspect every firework with a flag on the label would be illegal to ignite, and lots of fireworks have flags on them. The ones that form the flag in sparks would be particularly bad because they are so spectacular, making the insult to our troops even worse (at least that’s what Orrin Hatch thinks burning the flag is (since he’s allowed to arbitrarily assert meaning to it I’m going to as well: Burning the flag is a complement to giraffes)). Unless exploding is ok and only burning is illegal–then I guess fireworks are ok, but that’s a killer loophole. If I was trying to make a statement I’d way rather explode a flag than just burn it, like this guy did to his xbox (there’s some weird sports references in there that I don’t understand). Speaking of sports I don’t understand…

I just figured out why the World Cup is so popular… Previously I had thought it was all about knocking a sphere into a goal, how wrong I was (I voted for Spain).

Finally: Why won’t somebody buy me a submarine?

If you get me this one, I’ll invite you to come with me on some killer undersea adventures. Man we could throw the best party in a submarine; you’d be like “Hey dudes! Where’s the keg?” and I’d be like “It’s in the observation deck! And make sure you check out the giant squid we’ve been tracking!” and you’d be like “Kick ass!” Then you’d go get a beer just in time to see the squid eaten by a sperm whale and we’d be the first party ever to get footage that awesome.