I Don’t Think it’s OK to Light Fireworks Anymore; How I Learned to Like the World Cup and Why Won’t Somebody Buy Me a Submarine?

I’m glad the senate didn’t pass the flag burning ban because I suspect every firework with a flag on the label would be illegal to ignite, and lots of fireworks have flags on them. The ones that form the flag in sparks would be particularly bad because they are so spectacular, making the insult to our troops even worse (at least that’s what Orrin Hatch thinks burning the flag is (since he’s allowed to arbitrarily assert meaning to it I’m going to as well: Burning the flag is a complement to giraffes)). Unless exploding is ok and only burning is illegal–then I guess fireworks are ok, but that’s a killer loophole. If I was trying to make a statement I’d way rather explode a flag than just burn it, like this guy did to his xbox (there’s some weird sports references in there that I don’t understand). Speaking of sports I don’t understand…

I just figured out why the World Cup is so popular… Previously I had thought it was all about knocking a sphere into a goal, how wrong I was (I voted for Spain).

Finally: Why won’t somebody buy me a submarine?

If you get me this one, I’ll invite you to come with me on some killer undersea adventures. Man we could throw the best party in a submarine; you’d be like “Hey dudes! Where’s the keg?” and I’d be like “It’s in the observation deck! And make sure you check out the giant squid we’ve been tracking!” and you’d be like “Kick ass!” Then you’d go get a beer just in time to see the squid eaten by a sperm whale and we’d be the first party ever to get footage that awesome.

I Will ‘Rush’ To Judgement, Thank You

Just the facts about Rush Limbaugh’s recent brush with the law:

1) Rush was arrested for abusing prescription painkillers (I list this because we cannot ever forget this).

2) Rush allegedly had in his possesion, open bottle of prescription Viagra that was not in his name.

3) Rush was coming back from the Dominican Republic.

4) Men use Viagra for one reason only: sex.

Hmm, what was Rush doing in the Dominican Republic with Viagra?

Was it this?

Rush, how will you reconcile this with your base? Isn’t sex outside of marriage a sin according to them? I just hope a link between you and sex tourism can be found.
I imagine the case will be dropped when the dittohead doctor whose name was on the bottle covers for the hypocrite.

The Jetta Report

Has anyone been to The Jetta Report? Wow, this site is quite amazing. And I am not saying that because I currently work in an advertising agency. I played around with it a bit and it is fun. It basically is an unscientific survey of car owners. If you do not have a Jetta, you can choose what kind of car you drive and take the same survey.

What is amazing about this survey is it is completely interactive and you do not even realize what Volkswagen is doing. Do I camp? Yep. Oh, look at that, Jetta owners are 84% more likely to camp than other car owners, while Ford owners are only 37% more likely.

It is amazing what lengths companies will go to find out what we are interested in. You bet Volkswagen is interested, and so will other companies.

I heard an interesting stat today, for the first time; consumers are purchasing more in media than agencies are buying. Basically we are spending more on music, games, etc., than agencies are spending on placing ads on television, online, in magazines, etc. This means you will see a lot more efforts like The Jetta Report in the future.

Another reason is laptops and wireless connectivity means more people are surfing the Internets and watching TV at the same time. It is a perverse form of multitasking people in the late 20s and younger are getting good at. So it is a double whammy, you need a commercial that is attention grabbing, and a Web site that sucks people in. I believe the Jetta Report does this, and it does it well.

Has anyone notices the Sprite commercial that encourages viewers to play it back with their DVR? Guess why? Yeah, we are fast-forwarding through commercials.

What is the next step in advertising? It will always be around and it will always evolve to be just as effective.

War Volunteer Congressional Act

Soldiers who fight wars often develop strong emotional and psychological ties to the event, forever linking themselves to the wartime event. Strangely, those who often vote to place soldiers in the line of fire rarely serve or even have immediate family members serving in the conflicts.

A method to fix this could be thus: All congressional members or Executive branch politicians who are in favor of sending American boys and girls to foreign lands to fight for any reason are ineligible to run for re-election unless they or a member of their immediate family serves in the combat zone.

If they want to be exempt and run for re-election indefinitely, then they simply would vote “NO” at any time a “War Vote” comes to the floor. If a President wants to send troops to war, then the President would do so with the knowledge that he or she is personally sending a family member to war, or is volunteering for a tour themselves.

This would not solve all of our country’s problems - but it would place more responsibility on the men and women in leadership positions who feel that killing is the solution.

May 1, 2003 - Mission Accomplished!

I would like to thank the families of the 2,500 dead American soldiers who have lost their lives so our way of life could be maintained.

Why isn’t anyone buying SUVs?

 

Most Annoyng Commercials

I am only posting this because of deep seeded advertising induced anger… I didn’t drop a bunch of money on my DVR/TV to watch ads, but some are better then others. Here is my list of most annoying commercials:

6. Citi Bank identity theft commercials (where old people have the voice of rednecks, or other over the top annoing voices)

5. Hotel Commercials (Hampton Inn/La Quinta have commercials that make me vomit into my mouth)
4. Relators (Locally produced and crappy!)
3. Bank of America (Wow, isn’t it amazing that we can process a lot of mail… wait that isn’t amazing at all… that is retarded…)
2. Green car/Green Oil company (Mostly just those BP commercials where they interview “real” people, who stammer out some nonsense about ethanol)

1. Local furniture commercials (Strikingly unattractive local actors groove to strikingly bad locally produced R&B)

Anyone feeling as messed up about this as me?

World Cup, ASCII Style

This is classic stuff, and by classic I mean, Telnet classic.

Here is the link: ascii-wm.net/#

For those versed in telnet, you can watch World Cup matches live in ASCII via telnet. Just open a terminal and telnet to ascii-mw.net 2006.

Kind of funny. You can’t really tell what is going on, but it is actually streaming the live feed.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

… if the following post from The Wayne Madsen Report were true?

June 1, 2006 — UPDATED — Rocky shoals for Bush marriage? Informed sources Inside the Beltway report that First Lady Laura Bush has established temporary residence in the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC as a result of a tiff with President Bush over an extramarital relationship involving her husband. Mr. Bush’s tryst is said to involve Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. It is not known how long Mrs. Bush plans to remain at the Mayflower, however, her security detail has been present at the hotel during hours when the First Lady would normally be residing in the White House. While she was National Security Adviser, Rice, who has never been married, referred to George W. Bush as “my husband” before she corrected herself and said, “President. Bush” Rice was speaking at a dinner hosted by New York Times bureau chief Philip Taubman when she made her “husband” remarks.