I cannot begin a review of a Dario Argento movie without saying that I am not a huge fan of the widely acknowledged Master of horror. I am, however, a huge fan of horror, and I have seen many of Mr. Argento’s films. Most of his films that I’ve seen take place in a remote girl’s boarding school that is home to a very sinister plot to assassinate all of the prettiest residents (you gotta admit, there’s a certain charm in that), but certain other films break out of the mold and take on knockoffs of Stephen King stories.

Still, there’s a certain magic to Mr. Argento’s films - they are filmed beautifully, often with the most dramatically ludicrous lighting. Most of the time his movies are set in Rome, and he captures the city magnificently. The settings are breathtaking, oftentimes having characters walk through or be killed in locations you may have only seen in textbooks. The stories he takes on are often ridiculous, and often re-tread his earlier films. Many of his movies are, for lack of a better word, retarded (though some are actually very good - Suspiria and Tenebre, for example), but they are all endlessly watchable. Which is why I watch every single one that comes out on DVD.

And which brings me to Trauma (1993). Recently released on DVD, I rented it with low expectations, but it had been awhile since I’d since The Master go through the motions. This is supposedly his first and only American-made movie. Early on in the movie, there’s a scene in which a man is driving across a bridge and sees a woman about to jump off. He veers off the side of the road and tries to convince her to live, dammit, live. So far, there’s nothing grabbing me, until I see in the background a huge neon Grain Belt Premium sign. Holy shit! I said to myself. That’s Minneapolis!

Turns out, the whole movie was shot in Minneapolis. I tend to IMDB movies while I watch - I’m kinda psycho like that. I continued to watch the movie, hoping to see more of my hometown. We get shots of warehouses, some random bars I don’t recognize, and one shot of Nicollet Mall. Not much of the Minneapolis that I know and love. The story is watchable, but I kind of got hung up on how they used their location. Through my day job, I’ve travelled far and wide across this fine country, and have encountered few cities as beautiful as Minneapolis. I currently live in Chicago, another beautiful city, but I’ll always see Minnneapolis as my home. I don’t think it would be too much to hope that Mr. Argento could capture the essence of the city, but unfortunately the Master made it look bland to the highest caliber. The movie turned out to be fairly bland as well, but I wonder if I would have thought better of it if Argento had chosen to get to know Minneapolis a little better.

I suppose a brief plot synopsis would be helpful for any review: somebody’s killing people all around town with some sort of crazy electronic beheading device, and our lovable protagonists are trying to find out who’s behind these mysterious slayings. I’m not sure if the electronic beheading device is real, but if it is, I’m willing to bet the price point is exceedingly high.

Overall, the movie is recommendable on two points: one is if you are interested in trying to pick out landmarks from Minneapolis, and the other is if you are interested in getting a peek at a sixteen-year-old Asia Argento’s boobs. That last one was good enough for me.