Is that petechial hemorrhaging or are you just happy to see me?

Ah, fall. For me it means one thing: new pilots and season premieres. I’m here to sort the good from the bad from the very, very ugly.

Bones: Do you have an unexplainable affection for Dave Boreanaz? ‘Cause I do. And that’s probably the only reason I’ll watch this show. It, like all other crime shows on television, follows doctrine straight out of the Bible of Bruckheimer, Book of CSI.

1. And it came to pass that a bickering couple was jogging through a darkly-lit park whence they did cometh uponeth a decomposing corpse. (CSI, 1:1)

Follow this with a few gory re-enactments of the crime, a couple red-herrings and montages of lab work (may or may not include holograms!). And do NOT forget this most important verse:

2. And Jerry sayeth that the victim’s life must vaguely mirror the lives of the investigators, so that each may learn something about themselves and thusly, Cheerleader Who Was Eaten by Fellow Cheerleader Who Was High On PCP will not have died in vain. And it was good. (CSI, 2:1)

Wrap it all up around the 56 minute mark with a confession from the suspect and you’re set. Never before has the saying “This shit writes itself” been more appropriate.

Look, I’m not going to lie-I worship at the altar of the golden calf that is Bruckheimer. Just look at my DVR recorded list-I might as well don a habit and become a Bride of Jerry. I’m not proud of it, but I drank the Kool Aid, and now I’m stuck.

And that’s why Bones kinda sucks. It’s not new. Like, literally, NOTHING NEW HAPPENS ON THIS SHOW. Now, the Bones writers have added a touch that I’m sure they think is “unique”. They are wrong, but that’s not the point. The main character is Dr. Temperance Brennan, a forensic anthropologist, who is partnered with sniper-turned-Fed Dave. (And yeah, his name isn’t Dave on the show but I don’t care and really, neither should you.) See, she’s science! And he’s FBI, but with an open mind! He wants to beli-wait. Well. You get the picture.

Rating: CSI:Miami-S&M

Quick note-here’s my rating system:

If it’s a “fabulous, so insanely awesome that I wanna have its babies” show, I’m calling it “Veronica Mars - good”. If it’s an “I’ll probably still record it, but you’re not gonna catch me making a fan video” show, I’m calling it “Lost - good”. If it’s a “will someone cancel this show PLEASE, it’s sucking my will to live” show, I’m calling it “Charmed, Season 7 - bad.” And finally, the “Dear GOD, why do I watch this show? Is it to torture myself? I must enjoy pain” category that I’ll call “CSI:Miami-S&M”.

Next up: Surface, Threshold, Supernatural, Night Stalker